This informal CPD article ‘Who were you dreading seeing on your return from holidays?’, was provided by Laurie Randall, of Mediation Northern Ireland, who support parties dealing with change, contention, conflict and difference to find acceptable and non-violent agreement.
Work is such a large part of our life and it can be debilitating if we feel stuck in negative conflict with a colleague. And the impact is magnified if there’s a line-management relationship, or you rely on this person for completing tasks cooperatively.
Obviously, it would be so great if they would do something different so this conflict could disappear, but they might not be reading this article. So, what is in your hands?
Step 1: Analysis
Maybe this has been going round and round in your head, but that kind of ‘thinking’ does not lead to progress. There are some lovely tools out there that can support conflict analysis – the simplest thing is to put in a diary appointment with yourself, sit down with pen & paper, and allow yourself to think it through systematically. Take a few key headings:
- How am I feeling? (look for as many emotional descriptors as possible to explore this area)
- What are the issues to be resolved? And the cost of them remaining unresolved?
- What makes this conflict so difficult for me just now? How is ‘power’ showing up?
- What do I need?
- What does the other person need? How might they be feeling? (it is useful to take time to imagine this situation from the other person’s perspective, even if you still disagree with them).
Step 2: Strategy
As you deepen your awareness of what you are in, a way forward may begin to emerge. You could usefully consider your own resources to address this conflict and the current gaps (experience, skills, confidence, energy, information, insight, allies), and identify ways to enhance your resources if necessary.
Get clarity for yourself about your own needs and interests – which must be met through a negotiation with your colleague, and which might be met elsewhere. List your alternatives to getting an agreement with your colleague and choose the best of those (reality tested). If it is not great, see how you might improve it.
It is also important to be curious about the needs and interests of your colleague, as a successful and stable outcome relies on a win/win solution. And what might their alternatives to agreement look like?
Then, how might you raise this situation well with your colleague?
Step 3: Action
Get your own intention clear as it will leak! If you really want to sort out the conflict to the benefit of both of you (and your organisation), then that will also come across. Remember that your colleague might also be aware of the conflict and may be feeling anxious about how it will be addressed. So, an invitation that lets them know your intention (“I want to address X with you and see can we find a way forward together – our working relationship is important to me – when is a good time for you?”).
It is respectful to give your colleague an opportunity to prepare for an important conversation like this so that it has the best chance of going well. Also consider the following practicalities: where can we meet that allows for comfort and uninterrupted time? Do they need some support to prepare in advance? Would it help us both if we had someone else present as a friend or mediator? If we have solutions emerging, who might need to know? What needs to be kept confidential? And, following a long conflict, new patterns of relating will take a while to establish, so be gentle with yourself and realistic together.
Stuck conflicts are an energy drain and they tend to get worse over time: so, even though it’s a challenge, investing in addressing them is a wise use of resources.
We hope this article was helpful. For more information from Mediation Northern Ireland, please visit their CPD Member Directory page. Alternatively, you can go to the CPD Industry Hubs for more articles, courses and events relevant to your Continuing Professional Development requirements.
